Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

Well, we settled the costume solution. Moe Foes. It was Naomi's genius that created the concept and also the bribe that earned us the following accolades from promoter Mike Kuhn: "Lastly, the best bribe award and my most favoritist team at the race award goes to Moes Foes all of whom get free event T-shirts for the sweet sixxer of Belgium brews."

Moe, the embittered barkeep and proprietor of Moe's Tavern, constantly plagued by foes in the form of Bart Simpson's prank calls. Bart tortures people, especially Moe, with his prank calls. Examples:

1. Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!

2. Bart is trying to call the Counter-Truancy unit on a cellphone; the line sounds like it is crossed
(Jack Bauer) Chloe, I need those schematics now!
(Bart) Who is this?
(Jack) I'm Jack Bauer - who the hell are you?
(Bart) Me? I'm, uh, Ahmed Adoodie (pronounced "I Made a Doodie")
(Jack) Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoodie. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoodie?
(Chloe) Ahmed Adoodie - wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.
(Jack) Really?
(Chloe) No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
(Jack) Dammit!
Bart laughs; Jack fires a gun at someone

3. "Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?"
Barney says "Maybe your standards are too high!"
"You little S.O.B.! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!"

Poor Moe. Poor Jack Bauer. Poor Jimmy Rock. Jimmy didn't receive a prank call, just the honor of a Lemans start. I guess that qualifies as a prank. Moe's foes consisted of the lovely Mariana Cutleras Hugh Jass; Naomi Takahashi as Amanda Hugginkiss; and yours truly as Ahmed Ahdudi. The boy donned Bart Simpson costume
and planned to ride around demanding, "I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?" I didn't realize it was a Lemans start when I signed us up, and poor little Bart had to run 1/4 mile with giants to get his bike. Mother of the year, here.

We arrived in plenty of time to register and do a lap of the course superbly designed by Mike Kuhn of the VisitPA.com team. Although we lacked a tent, we had awesome neighbors (Drew, Nikki, and Kristin) who dished up a tasty post-race BBQ. Mmmmm.....grilled asparagus.

The conditions were windy, muddy, and nervous mother. That's right. It was the boy's first mountain bike race and I wanted him to have fun. He looked like death on a cracker pre-race but by his third lap (that's right, I wrote third lap) he was ready for more. I don't want to be one of those crazy Moms (to hell with you who just thought "too late") who pushes hobbies on their kids that the kids can't stand. My parents made me play junior golf. I guess I should have given it more of an effort, but the best part was zooming around in carts. Besides, who doesn't like riding a bike? Uh oh.
Since the boy is a bit of an attention hound (he comes by it honestly), the relay format suited his love of the spotlight. I think it's why he likes the track. Thanks to all of the kind racers who helped him out and let me know he was on his way. He said, "These people are really nice." And it's true. I told him that mountain biking is so hard that everything hurts including your teeth. People are nice to each other because we're all a bunch of crazy masochists. Speaking of which, wait till I introduce him to cross.

Half of the Bad Fat Monkey Cat team brought a 26" bike for the boy to try out. Sunday he rode 16 miles of Fairhill, including a loop of the 4/19 race course. Thanks for schlepping this down to the race. The boy immediately recognized the improvement in machines, and is absolutely ready to ride like a maniac.

Thanks to Mike Kuhn for a fabulous event.