Boonen a Bonehead

According to Velonews, Bonehead Boonen tested positive for cocaine. Again. No mention of nubile girlfriends this time or any other lurid details. Consequently, my all-time favorite story of Jan Ullrich leaving the scene after crashing his Porsche into a bike rack during an Ecstasy encounter remains my favorite pro-cyclist drug story. Your story better impress me, Tom, since this will be the last the world hears of you.

Coke? Do people still do that crap? It's so 80s. Do you think he snorts or shoots it? Isn't there enough decent beer in Belgium to keep a dude happy? The allure of coke alludes me in this case. Isn't this what killed Pantani? Pay attention, Tom.

I'm not a sports shrink so I won't even attempt a diagnosis. Trying to get over parents' refusal to remove training wheels until he was 12? Teammates have bigger dicks? Sad that he's not a successful pro tour rider with only 100 victories?

I'm not here to judge. Those of you who've known me longer than 20 years would rightly call bullshit on my righteous indignation over someone's inability to avoid lethal substances after they have caused a problem.

I don't know the dude, so feeling sorry for him would be specious. I don't wish him harm, but I don't wish him more success or happiness than anyone else.

I feel sorry for me. That's right, me. I really enjoy watching Boonen sprint. He's like a truck carving his way through race cars. I always wonder, how does that huge vehicle go past all those stealthy little speedsters?

I wish I had that kind of talent to snort away.